Monday, February 23, 2009

Fuck Me.

Jesus God Christ Fuck.

The title of this post is like a double double double entendre.

And why the fuck isn't entendre in the spell checker dictionary?
What a stupid piece of shit this spell check is!

Wanna know what happened today?
Well, too bad!

Took Whinocerous to observe a ballet dance class that she will probably be attending on Monday mornings. The teacher is a new friend of mine, our husbands work together.
I think she will love it. She participated in the last 5 minutes of class with the only other girl in the class who is 3 and she did everything she was instructed to do. I was proud. But once the "ballerina" left, she didn't want anything to do with the instructor, the ever genuinely saccharine sweet and beautiful Noell. Usually people who are chipper and cutesy and sweet annoy the crap out me, but she is actually genuine and is super animated and excited so I have grown quite fond of her.

Then I have to take Little Guy to the doctor this afternoon to get him some immunization shots. I waited for an hour before I saw anyone. I hate that. I mean I got him weighed and stuff, but still. The grumpy old fat nurse with foundation make up way too dark for her face asked me if I wanted to guess his weight. I said 19lbs.
She says in a most flat you-were-wrong tone of voice, "No. He's 18lbs 9oz."

OH shut the fuck up, you crotchety old biddy. Next time I'll give him a bottle and then you can shove your couple of ounces up your ass. She could have just said "Oh that's close!" or "Almost!" or she could have just said "Hey $20 bucks if you guess his weight EXACTLY TO THE FUCKING OUNCE." Give me a break. Just don't ask me next time, asshat.

So anyway....shots to cute babies are no fun.
You don't really need to details. But keeping a 1 year old busy at a pediatrician's office in a little room with NO TOYS (yea WTF, a PED WITH NO TOYS) is no east task. Plus I didn't want him touching anything because who knows what kind of germs are laying around from other sickly kids. Last time I was there for a WELL VISIT, my kids ended up sick from some shit and we never go anywhere so I know it wasn't my house.

Blah blah blah, we did potty learning today too.
I'm pissed because my husband tells me that we can't afford dance class really even though we are cutting out Comcast phone and premium cable channels and I'd have to potty train her or something to cut costs on diapers or something to be able to send her...which totally bums me out. Something fun without repercussions? Oh NO! Not that! It's always something. Ugh. I hate money.

So I decide well fuck I might as well try again - off with the diapers!
I put her in panties before I left for the doctor so my husband could have to watch her like a hawk while I was out since it was his idea anyway. One might call that passive aggressive....but I like to think I am blatant and obvious when I'm pissy, I don't do that sneaky shit if I can help it.

Well she pissed on the floor while I was gone.
And she pissed a few more times until the 3 pairs of panties I actually had for her were soaked, so....just let her be half naked. We got maybe a few dribbles from the aftermath into the potty, but I guess that's how you start.

I made my husband remove the industrial carpet area rug we had in the living room out to the trash. It was nasty anyway from baby puke, pee, poo who knows what else has been spilled on it over the past few years. It was time for it to go anyway. I'm not potty training on a carpet. FUCK THAT. It's much easier to clean up a hardwood floor. So that's that. She's back in diapers for the night though. Baby fell asleep early but as I was putting her to bed she tells me "Mommy, you poop." Which means "I pooped" but hey, he she you I whatever. So I turn on the light because I don't want to go back downstairs after we just did the turning out of the lights routine to changer her and of course the baby wakes up and I'm pissed and I change her damn poop and then I have to go make a bottle which I wish my husband would have done while I was changing the diaper even after I said go make one but he just stood there trying to shush the baby.....omg what a run on sentence......anyway I give it to him and he goes quiet with it and after some nice (very strained attempts at nice at this point) soothing talk and breathing in and out exercises she goes to bed. And here I am. BLoGGinG and Wine-ing....yet again with the wine. Had to finish off that bottle from the other night before it goes bad.

And when I say "Fuck Me", yeah it means "WHAT A DAY!" but I could use a good fucking in bed too. That's for sure. Oh but's that time of the month. Lucky me.


  1. What's YOUR address? I will send you a treat! You freaking deserve one.

  2. Bring it, woman! It's a treat war.

  3. What I'm about to suggest is probably wrong in so many ways... But it worked for my best friend and the kid (17 last month) seems not to be scarred for life.. :):):)
    She bribed him with Life Savers. Every time he went in the potty, he got a Life Saver. Took her two days.. And he was 3 and resistant as hell.. Hated the potty.. But, it worked.. Just an idea... Good luck!! :):):)

  4. I'd revert back to wearing diapers if someone gave me a life saver every time I pooped in my pants. That would be, like, the ultimate screw you to my mother.

    Just have to wait for May.

  5. The trick is to get that first pee though.
    All I get are little dribbles from after I pick her up from peeing on the floor. Then I'd give her whatever she wanted!

  6. All that and your period... ok... hand all children to the hubby and take a hot bath. Yes, you will still be achy and cranky and there will still probably be tinkle on the floor when you are done, but life always seems better after a hot bath to me.

  7. Whinocerous? That is freakin brilliant!

  8. Teri, you has an awaaarrrrddd.... come get your crap off my porch.

  9. Laura J: I know, that would be nice tonight, but he has class late after work so he won't be home until they are both in bed already. Oh and she's back in diapers again because I have to buy a bigger supply of underwear if I'm going to do this right. So I'll wait a bit. Sigh.

    Captain: Yes, thank you thank you....she made it easy. She's so adorable, but she jumps and runs back and forth with the most astonishing force, shaking the whole house. I swear an elephant could walk through my house and make less noise. I'm surprised she doesn't have foot injuries, I don't know how she thunder thuds the foor so. So coupled with whining and charging like a wild rhinoceros every where, you get a Whinocerous. :)

    CPM: Yay! I did see it earlier, but you could have hand-delivered it! :P