After a sunny day with my family and a cold shoulder from the one person that matters lately, I made us talk. And talk. And although I haven't gotten any answers other than, "not sure" and "confused," I am more certain that what I feared is true. The outcome is still to be determined, but if the good level of openness displayed tonight is not continued and the silent crappy attitude of the previous few days resumes, I'm afraid I will lose my will to fight for what we have.
I cannot go on in life feeling unwanted, unwelcome or miserable in any way, whether on purpose or not. I give credit for honesty, life conditions, a complicated personality and realization that certain thoughts and actions will be seen as selfish or stupid in the eyes of others.....but do I really want to "win" by the toss of a coin or just being the "flop" that seems to be the direction that this flip flopper more often than not flops to? Not really. I want and deserve to be wholly wanted, loved and appreciated....not just an avoided mistake.
Despite all of this crap, I know he cares for me and loves the kids.
I wonder if talking to a 3rd party will help us or just delay the unavoidable. I imagine if the worst case scenario presented itself, it would be recommended to see someone. We shall see.
I hope it's avoidable. Really and truly though, I just hope to be happy.
This talk helped my current condition.
I no longer feel trampled on....if anything, I feel a little sturdier knowing from what I will be growing from. Knowing your bearings is a good start no matter what the situation is.
A flower that blooms in adversity is a prized flower indeed.
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