Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sadness and Shopping

I'll try to keep it short and sweet and devoid of emotion.

1. He wants to leave.
2. I am sad.
3. I want him to go to therapy.
4. He will go to therapy.
5. He will probably move to the city.
6. I wish he would stay with me but maybe I'll be better off getting through this without him around.
7. He is confused.
8. The kids will miss him.
9. I miss what he was 2 years ago.
10. I have been told to take $100 and to spend it on nothing but what I want/things for me.

And now for some emotion:
This feels like your heart trying to leap up your throat as if you could swallow backwards...with waterfall eyes.

Here is us in progression:





Wednesday, May 28, 2008

What the hell is today?

Often times, I forget what freakin' day it is.
Today is.....uh.....Wednesday!
That's it!

What's going on today?
Taking babes to the doctor's office to make sure the 2 year old's ear infection is gone.

What else?
Enjoying a cup of Chai tea with milk (all out of soy milk which tastes better with chai).

What else?
Getting my arm chewed on by the 4 month old and covered in love-slobber.
Baby hickies are cute.

Hey look at this frog....NICE HAT!

Well here's a funny joke:
"I hate it when old people come up to you at weddings and poke you and say "You're next!"
Well now I do the same thing to them at funerals."


Monday, May 26, 2008

Just Another Day in Paradise

After a sunny day with my family and a cold shoulder from the one person that matters lately, I made us talk. And talk. And although I haven't gotten any answers other than, "not sure" and "confused," I am more certain that what I feared is true. The outcome is still to be determined, but if the good level of openness displayed tonight is not continued and the silent crappy attitude of the previous few days resumes, I'm afraid I will lose my will to fight for what we have.

I cannot go on in life feeling unwanted, unwelcome or miserable in any way, whether on purpose or not. I give credit for honesty, life conditions, a complicated personality and realization that certain thoughts and actions will be seen as selfish or stupid in the eyes of others.....but do I really want to "win" by the toss of a coin or just being the "flop" that seems to be the direction that this flip flopper more often than not flops to? Not really. I want and deserve to be wholly wanted, loved and appreciated....not just an avoided mistake.

Despite all of this crap, I know he cares for me and loves the kids.
I wonder if talking to a 3rd party will help us or just delay the unavoidable. I imagine if the worst case scenario presented itself, it would be recommended to see someone. We shall see.
I hope it's avoidable. Really and truly though, I just hope to be happy.

This talk helped my current condition.
I no longer feel trampled on....if anything, I feel a little sturdier knowing from what I will be growing from. Knowing your bearings is a good start no matter what the situation is.

A flower that blooms in adversity is a prized flower indeed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

If I were a Flower

A flower cannot possibly bloom its best if it is constantly trampled on.

In other words......I'm not happy.