Monday, February 12, 2007

My Grandmother is a Clever, Evil Bitch

Hahaha - well that's basically what she is saying by passing this email along to me....

> A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

But I don't think she is an evil bitch at all.
As a matter of fact, she's the coolest lady I know!
She's magical! She has a vial of fairy dust, to be sure!
She sprinkles it on the youngest family members who can walk and talk and tells them it's only for special occasions.
Oh how I love her. She's so charming and so funny.
We all call her Nanny.

She tells us every now and then about some cute young man she's seen at a computer class.
She is writing her own memoirs.
She introduced me to The Last Unicorn movie when I was young.
She used to collect crystals.
She always has a smile on her face and the only wrinkles she has are crows feet from all that smiling.
Her laugh is infectious - it is explosive and genuine.
Her eyes get big and round when she is tossing caution or advice at you, but then a smile usually stretches across her face shortly afterward because she is unable to be serious for very long - at least not since her own kids have grown up. Even if she disapproved of something you did, she shows how much love, support and caring she has in her heart and she is rarely judgemental.
Sometimes I like to have a cup of coffee with her or a good stout alcoholic beverage!
She won't drink a wine cooler, she likes a bloody mary, a snifter of liqueur or just a hard liquor and coke.
She doesn't care about counting calories, if she wants a piece of cheesecake or apple pie, gosh darnit, she's gonna have one!
She totally rocks and she knows it!

I don't know what happened to my mom though.
Mom doesn't drink much other than white zinfandel or a wine cooler.
Sure, I mean she'll have a rum and coke from time to time, but usually after any alcohol she gets all sleepy and poops out.
Mom doesn't worry about magic, she just works and works or watches CSI, Law & Order or Survivor.
She loves to work.
She loves to complain about work too, but she sure is a hard worker.
Mom is passive-agressive.
If someone pisses her off, she will get back at them some untraceable or sneaky way, like "accidentally" holding something up so someone's deadline is missed or turning off the coffee pot so that the coffee gets cold. She usually has a back up excuse like "well, I didn't want to have the place burn down."
I am more like Nanny than my mom.
Don't get my wrong, mom does have one trait - one that I picked up actually - that is more aggressive than passive....she looooves to start shit. If mom believes in something or if she feels wronged in some way that has a systematic way of correcting (or inflicting inconvenience or penalty on the wronger) she will go out of her way to do it.
This meaning things like complaining to the Better Business Bureau, calling the wronger company every day until desired results are accomplished or going to whatever authority gives her some sort of satisfaction or compensation.
I do this to the extreme.
It is a very well-known fact that I will send back any plate of food if it is not to my order, has a hair in it, is cold, whatever. (I also take precautions to just get money back as I do not wish to eat a spit-burger).
I will call a bank up and demand refunds for fees on stupid things.
I usually get them.
I keep all of my receipts and I will return an item if it sucks.
But I digress.
At least I learned the importance of balancing a checkbook from my mom.

But my Nanny is more laid back and carefree than my mom.
She loves her two cats, Friday and Valentine.
Nanny wanted to be an actress. So did I, except I realized I was horrible at it and that I made a much better singer. Nanny didn't become one because her mother forbade it - said it was a stupid profession, not very respectable and was no way to live.
Soooo....I'm thinking that maybe this crazy, carefree, fun-loving quirky personality skips every other generation in my family. I guess my daughter will be practical and hard-working, more like her father than me. We'll see. I gotta get my magic fairy dust ready once she figures out what a fairy is.

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