Writer's Block

You know it's one thing to have writer's block and not know what to write about. But then when you find something to write about and you feel like maybe you should have SOME limits on what you write that it kind of makes you wonder why bother writing in the first place.

I figure I'm a good writer.
Unfortunately, if there's nothing really substantial to write about you end up not writing much of anything and then when you write something like that it's like wiping off a spoon with refried beans on it on a tortilla and calling it a burrito. That actually happened to me once long long ago when I used to eat Taco Bell. I swear that's what it looked like. I told them this is not a burrito. This looks like you wiped the spoon off on it. I wanted to say it looks like you wiped your ass with it. But you know, if you talk shit like that to jerks in a fast food joint, they might just do that.

Anyway...I'm am really pissed.
I'm agitated.
I'm irritated.
I'm annoyed.
I want to punch things and yesterday I was having anxiety attacks for no reason.
Then I got high late at night.
I relaxed finally after getting over the anxiety that I was "doing it wrong." And by it I mean just being high. I'm such a loser I can't even enjoy a drug if I finally do one after months of saying it's not for me. I'm such a flip flopper on that subject. Most days I'm against it. Then one day I'll just say "fuck it, why not?"

I should have written a novel by now.
A psychological thriller.
I even remember the dream I had 5 years ago that inspired it.
But have I written it?
NO!
Know why?
BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE UP DECENT CHARACTERS TO CARRY OUT THE DEEDS.
My heroine should be loosely based on me - easy to write about yourself, no?
BUT SHE ISN'T ME.
I came up with some tangent scenario to start the book with - a portrait of her every day morning, but I hated it. She had calla lilies by her bed. Who the fuck has a vase full of calla lilies? By their bed?

I don't know. I wanted this book to represent this time period.
You know, not just throwing icons in there like ipods or google, but I mean about the way people behave, social stigmas, liberal youth, the attitude we have toward each other either in person or online with strangers. I want to put my opinion down on paper (or in doc or txt) that says "People behave this way now and unlike the past, they do it for no good reason because there just isn't one." Generation X? Nope. A little later than that. I don't want to talk about the emo or hipster movement, or non-movement, because really they just take up space, get wasted, take pics of themselves, and live for the next day just so they can review all those pictures....or at least that's what some internet article said and I thought it to be true enough.

Anyway....I am being distracted by a picture of an MRI machine for cats, and now I have no idea what else to write. I'm just bitching anyway.

FUCK.