Massacre in my Driveway

I'm am exhausted from shopping today with the kids. Groceries...baby nap....drove to Jersey for a toddler bed off craigslist....then Target for extra shit that was cheaper than a grocery store and stuff for the beach. AND THEN......


When I got home I knocked the damn laundry detergent on the ground and it spilled all over the driveway. I scooped up as much as I could with my hands and put it back in the bottle. I don't care about dirt, I mean that shit gets washed away anyway. AND THEN.........


I took Al's shorts from when he got Pacific poison oak in California and sopped up what I didn't scoop up and I hand washed them twice in that manner. So I went to rinse off the driveway with the hose I noticed hooked up in the garage and there was fucking bubbles and suds everywhere! AND THEN.......


The hose leaked from the faucet and got all over Al's weight bench and the floor so I had to clean that shit up too. WTF. Stupid Purex.

Screaming

I would say something witty here or maybe write 5 paragraphs of pure awesomeness with a side of bacon-flavored analogies, but the child that doesn't want to take a nap (probably because I won't give him milk and has a bottle full of water) is screaming his head off and I couldn't possibly concentrate long enough to do that.


But I thought I'd pop in and say hi.

Where have I been?
Who would ask that? I fear this blog is dusty and forgotten like ruins in the Congo.
I've been busy and not busy and a bit apathetic to blogging lately.
Maybe I'll get back into it later when I feel like writing random shit.

But until then....my posts will be as random and sporadic as my brain wave patterns.
So I leave you with a quote:

"You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality." - Ayn Rand

CANADA! I'm not even

HAPPY CANADA DAY! And I'm not even Canadian.
But I like Canada and I play online games with a Canadian.
Therefore, I can say happy birthday to Canada since I've been there once and know it through 2 degrees of separation.

Happy Birthday, Canada!

Men are like big game....

....and I am like a hunter with an expired hunting license.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I'm only here because they are updating the server

I can't play my game thanks to server upgrades, so I guess I'll say some words.

Coffee, check.
Baby nap time, check.
Video for toddler, check.
Video game for mom, EEEEEEEEEERNT!, WRONG.

That about sums up the morning.
My husband was on his way out the door after a delicious bacon, egg & toast breakfast served by me, when the kids gave him the most sad faces ever. So he stood there in the doorway, backpack on his shoulders, looking back at them with an equally pitiful looking face. He slumped his shoulders, looked at me, and I said, "You're not going, are you?"
"No," he sighed.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! I squealed because I knew the kids would be so happy and it kind of cheered me up too because I love spur of the moment stuff like that. Family time! Time for scanning checks! Time for fixing my webcam! (Actually that is still not working, but it was a good try.) Time for just more time!

He left for the train a while ago and probably won't get into work until noon. Ah well. All I have to say is, I hate server upgrade Tuesdays...I need my fix. Yes, I admit it. I am now officially addicted to WoW. At least it's only a $15 a month fix. :P

What's been up with me lately? Oh you know, the usual god-awful emotional roller coaster, mood swings of death and doom. Pillaging and suffering. Laughing and crying. Yelling and freaking the fuck out. I hope to solve this mystery by August. Hopefully, I'll be in a good mood for my birthday next month. I'm going to be 30!

Alrighty, that's enough. Maybe I'll write something creative later. It's been known to happen.

Let's see, maybe I'll just make up a poem off the top of my head right now.

Coffee is getting cold,
The drums are being beaten,
I'll be 30 years old,
I wonder what I'll be eatin'

Dinner is special fun,
When out to eat you go,
Don't have to clean for anyone,
Dress up, put on a show

Drink a bit of alcohol,
Cackle like a witch,
It doesn't matter at all,
Cuz' you're a partyin' son-of-a-bitch!


Thank you, thank you!

I Put On My Red Lipstick for Jane's Addiction & NIN

Tailgating a concert in the rain.....awesome.
But before the festivities begin, the make up must go on....

For this occasion, I brought out the super red lipstick and...

BAM!

You damn right, I'd totally do myself.

P.S. I got a new haircut and color too.




Also, I don't know why, (I've been kind of AWOL lately) but I got an award or two over at Sheri's World, so I took the liberty of choosing which one I liked best.


Thanks, Sheri, now here is your shameless promotion.

Chinese Cat Grows Wings.....Evolution?

Click picture for story ^^

(Don't worry, it's just MSNBC's Today)



Reminds me of this book I read when I was little....

Flying Spaghetti Monster For Dinner? No, huh...

A few weeks ago I didn't feel like cooking dinner one night since my husband wouldn't be home, so I looked around for some leftovers to serve the kids. Well, I made spaghetti and meatballs a couple of nights before...so voila!

I was in a weird and hyper mood and I got this creative notion that the little pile of pasta with 2 meatballs looked a lot like the Flying Spaghetti Monster deity and so with a few tweaks, I fixed it up just so and heated the sucker up.



Well, I didn't say anything about it to my little Whinocerous; I don't even think she noticed. Either way, she didn't eat it...wasn't really hungry I guess. Or maybe she somehow knew what it was with her 3 year old intuition and didn't want to be touched by his noodly appendage. The little precious hasn't had much appetite for dinner these days, but she eats all day so I guess she's alright. Whatever, I found it amusing whether she ate it or not. Heh.

7 Celebrites I Find Sexually Appealing And Repulsive At The Same Time

You know you do it too.
Sometimes your brain tells you you shouldn't find a certain someone attractive for various reasons: kind of ugly, really dorky, weak, douchebagginess, bad skin, a little too old for you, or you just plain don't want your kids to look like that person because they have beady eyes or something. Your mind is trying to prevent you from making a mistake so as not to have offspring with this person, possibly passing down undesirable traits. Yet somehow, your ancient instincts tell you these supposed miscreants still have a quality or trait about them that is more desirable than saving the next generation from "defects," as it were.

A dilemma for sure, but the fact remains; you still want to bang them.

Here are my reasons why I think condoms were invented:

1. David Spade


2. Tommy Lee Jones


3. Jeremy Irons


4. Benicio del Toro


5. Jeff Goldblum


6. Rob Morrow


7. Gordon Ramsay (many women find him attractive, but I think it's the aggressive masculinity)

Give it to me raw, Bobby Flay

Oh yea....so last night I had a crazy dream (this is nothing out of the ordinary for me), only it's been a while since I had anything close to one regarding sexuality.

I didn't get anywhere with anyone per se, but I was being intensely harassed and seduced by none other than Iron Chef Bobby Flay.

Ohhh yeah....pour some EVVO on me, baby. Mmmmm....



I was at a nice restaurant, chocolate brown leather bench seats, red art deco cone lamps hanging down from the ceiling, simple red flowers on the tables and a warm, dark brown wall color. Don't forget the track lighting! I suppose that's my creative interior designer brain working in my subconscious - even in sleep, I am imagining color schemes hehe. But anyway....

Funny thing is, I wasn't really interested in Mr. Flay at first. You'd think it was because of the level of his arrogance and overt assertiveness, but that is usually what I get off on. Somehow we ended up at a house party where there was all kinds of provocative shenanigans going on. The porn-star looking attendees, especially the women, were all scantily clad, and I didn't feel all that welcome. I especially felt out of place because I was mentally in mommy mode, imagining that I needed to get home to my kids.

Slowly but surely, my outfit morphed into some kind of lack of cloth ensemble, and the women were pulling me along, trying to get me to join in their weird lesbian activities, getting me more and more naked. I knew it was all for the sake of the evil Bobby Flay who was smirking deviously while watching this, knowing these nasty sirens were "prepping" me for the main course.

I don't like women in the sexual way, so I wasn't appreciative of their efforts: inserting fingers where they shouldn't be, convincing me to put my fingers in their soft parts *blech* and *shudder* - it was all too much. Gross, Bobby. If you want me, don't gross me out with the lezzy stuff, ugh.

I had enough of the fake eyes-closed-red-lipstick-open-mouth gasping and moaning stuff from the blonde Playboy wannabes and went over to the Iron Chef himself. I was pissed and I demanded to go home. He said he would drive me home and he had my car keys. I told him I would go myself, but he wouldn't give them to me. Actually, he took off the car key and gave me the rest of my keys.



At some point, we were in my car, him in the driver's seat. He was putting the max moves on me at this point - and even though I thought he was a jerk, I couldn't help but still be interested. Why do I like the jerks? I guess I woke up or something because I was starting to freak out because even in my subconscious, I knew I was married and that this was not a good idea, even if I was slightly interested in hooking up with an unscrupulous celebrity chef.

Then the baby cried and woke me up.
Whew! Or damn it! I'm not sure which reaction to use. Hehe.
After watching a few Throwdown episodes, he seems like such a douche.
I'm not the only one who thinks so, either.
So what does that say about me? I totally fantasize about douchebags. And food. I don't want to marry 'em, I just want to fuck 'em....I guess just get it over with already and call me a gourmet slut. LOL

Jesus, Lauren Hill....

What the hell happened to you?
You fall out the Ugly-Clown-Make-up Tree?



It looks like what I imagine the offspring of Ronald McDonald and Diana Ross would look like. Yikes.

Help! It's raining gays!

That's right, people. The gay agenda!
They're out to get us!
They are going to rain down their rainbow terror on us breeders!

Ok...so anyway...I just saw Milk a couple of days ago - great movie.
I applaud the efforts of the civil rights movement for gay equality.
Although I have to admit, that was a little too much exposure to gayness even for me.
But anyway...awesome role for Sean Penn.

So what was I saying? Oh yes, mass paranoia regarding imminent gayness.

Check out this controversial commercial....the fact that these people are serious is hysterical to me.




But the best part of all is the remakes available none other than on the internet.
Oh satire, how I love you and the truth you hilariously deliver.

What they really mean....



Colbert Report version...



Celebrity version....(LOL)

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Good Morning, SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!

The CAPS, which represent loudness, is a total understatement in this story.


THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD
Whinocerous tromps down the hall with her explosive land mine heels into the parents' bedroom.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! The baby wails from his room after she runs past the pointlessly closed door.
"DADDY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DADDY???"
"SHHH!!!" Mommy spittles, irritated from down the hall as she dunks a bag of green tea in some hot water.
Daddy understands, "You have to be quiet, sweetie, the baby is trying to sleep!"
"WHAT?"
Mommy chuckles, rolls her eyes and sighs in her kitchen on yet another fine morning.

The Ludicrous Petshop & Friends

Last night I dreamt people dressed up as scary pink t-rexes were swinging psychotically on swings while I unsuccessfully tried to take a picture. Then I was all of a sudden in a cooking school and some dudes were trying to molest me and my husband came and tried to get the harassers away from me after I beat one up ( really I totally beat that fucker to smithereens and it was awesome) - I yelled to my husband, "PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!!" and he finally punched one and I was happy about it.

I remember being in a high rise building and having to go down an elevator to get out of the place. Weird. Actually, I just remembered I've had high rise buildings with elevator sequences in my dreams before....only last time it was a fancy hotel with black and green marble floors and walls inside. Hmm. I wonder if I have some kind of phallic power trip in my subconscious. That would totally not surprise me at all. I have a thing for skyscrapers I guess. Suck on that one for a 45 minute session, Freud.

In other news, PETA asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name....I don't know WTF for, but you know even though they probably knew damn well they wouldn't change their name, they just wanted the press coverage. Now I'm all about being humane to animals, but PETA people are just insane. Insane, like, worse the my crazy ass dreams, insane.

When the Stars Go Blue

Yellow speckles of light flashed and flickered, glossy and dull on the dark water surface. Statik shivered in the chilly night breeze. Her vacant gaze over the harbor abruptly dispelled and she snapped back into acknowledgment of the real world; goosebumps covered her arms, the skin on her fingers cold, thin and crackling. She reached for her cable-knit zip-up sweater and put it on. As the breeze died down, she closed her eyes and took a deep, musky freshwater breath; she opened her eyes and slowly sighed.

For a moment she imagined herself on a charter boat, set out to sea for a fishing expedition. No women allowed on the boat. Statik snorted and kicked an offensive clump of dried mud into the water. "Fucking assholes," she muttered to herself, "I'm not like most women - I can take a fish off a hook and have a beer just like any dude. I don't necessarily have to complain about anything. Whatever."

Statik sighed once more then leaned over the cold steel railing to look at the lapping water on the rocks below. She searched for her warm spot on the rail from where she was zoning out earlier but couldn't find it. She gave up and turned away to walk home. Or maybe she would stop at a bar first.

No, no, who would be at the bar? Strangers? Nah, when you're in a bar, nobody is a stranger, they're more like fellow members of a support group or patients in a mental hospital. You are totally peers and you can totally just go up and talk to whoever you want to, but don't expect to come out with a bring-home-to-mama-boyfriend or a really nice guy who just wants to buy you dinner and just happens to have concert tickets he doesn't want laying around.
Expect two drunk probably depressed, apathetic, lonely losers lovers to go back to someone's car place and have sloppy intense sex then considering a drive home pass out immediately thereafter. Then, in the morning, you do the walk of shame go to breakfast at a diner, hair in a messy ponytail, still wearing make-up from the night before and your penis-lender's second comfiest t-shirt. It could be fun.

Statik looked up at the stars twinkling, fixed and solid.
How can something that seems to move so slow be so beautiful?
It's the same old constellations.
It's the same old planets.
The same old galaxy.
Yet in it's relatively fixed infinity, it is infinitely fascinating, relative to me anyway.
At home, the stereo could be turned on and turned up; drinking and dancing could ensue and none would be the wiser if she passed out on the couch watching reality cooking shows recorded on the DVR. She walked past an open door with a bar inside, purple and green neon lights, and some awful classic rock song seeping down the stairs into the gutter. She plugged in her earphones, switched on the mp3 player and played "When the Stars Go Blue" as sung by Bono and The Corrs.

Where do you go when you're lonely?
Where do you go when you're blue?
Where do you go when you're lonely? I'll follow you...

Statik went home.

I'll take a brick, if you don't mind...

Soooo....
What does a trillion dollars look like?

It looks like some ridiculous green thing that I'll never see in my lifetime.

It would be a massive building and I would totally love just a brick of it, kthx loaded people.

Check out that link above and see, but for you lazy uninterested people, here is some totally unrelated shit to see if you're paying attention:



Actually, what you see above is what I've found to be a Korean time-honored tradition among young boys, called dong chim. All a boy has to do is to put their open hands together in a diving position, sneak up behind a boy, then simply jab your little shark-fin up their butt.

I suppose the fun of it all is to see the reaction afterwards...otherwise why in the hell would they make a statue of it? lmao



And there you have it.

Wordless Wednesday???

Hitler Rapes Bjork Lookalike in Greek Ruins

"WTF?" you may be asking yourself....

Indeed, that is exactly what I said when I woke up this morning because I dreamt my Asian friend looked like Bjork and all of a sudden, Hitler found us hiding under a slab of concrete, dragged her out and raped her - although eventually I got up and tried to stop the whole thing, somehow he got himself all blown up. I don't know exactly but I believe we were in the rubble and ruin of a Grecian University or something. The columns gave it away. But then, on a yellowed parchment of paper, a weird animated montage of penis-sized condom shapes moved like pistons up and down over musical notation lines - like a really fucked up animated symphony - and red-ochre smudges appeared at each thrust to represent symbolically the savage motions of the rape. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!

I know I watched some crazy Manga anime on the sci fi channel the other night and I know I watched Hercules yesterday, and was listening to Bjork several days ago on YouTube videos AND last night I watched some old 1930's Japanese films, but JESUS. Where the hell did Hitler come from? The time period maybe? So weird.

I've actually been having a lot of awful dreams lately. I was going to say weird dreams, but I've been having weird dreams all my life. I usually remember my dreams every morning. But when I say I've been having awful dreams, I mean so awful that I awake in the middle of the night sobbing and bawling my eyes out. HOW HORRIBLE. Perhaps it's due to stress. Maybe if I can't think of anything to blog about, I'll just write about my dreams. They're definitely interesting enough....if you like TABLOIDS.

Here's what I think inspired my brain to do that crazy musical parchment paper animation sequence: Labuat





(YOU DEFINITELY WANT TO SEE THIS MUSICAL NOVELTY)

Already Dreaming of BEACH

Yes....I look forward every year to a trip to the shore....beach bound forever in my soul. My favorite smell is coconut...and I even go so far as to wear Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil as a perfume and to moisturize my hands all year round. I own more tropical garb probably than native Hawaiians do.

It's a wonder I don't do the grass skirt thing.
I don't ever dress up as a hula dancer or anything like that for Halloween because I wouldn't feel like I was wearing a costume. I am Island Girl at heart.

I digress though.

I can remember a time at the beach that I didn't like so much, but got over fairly quickly. You know it's love when you get over the negative stuff in a hurry.

I was around 6 years old, I guess. My mom took me to the beach, I believe with my step-dad - I think they were only dating at the time. I don't remember those kinds of details.

I was happily munching away on some crunchy Cheetos in the high noon sun on South Padre Island. The black scratchy seaweed littered all over the beach as far as the eye could see. In the distance, oil refineries gleamed in the daylight like dormant alien ships docked on the beach. Whatever. The hot sand burned my feet so I stayed on the towels as much as possible. When I did wander around, I could either go toward the water and the cooler sand, or I could maybe walk a few feet before I was too close to the cars parked in the lot behind us. The sand dunes flanking the parking lot were sort of comforting, like a safety wall guarding our happiness from the rest of the world. Some of them had tufts of tall grass shooting out of the tops of them like the unwanted chin hairs I get sometimes. Most of them were just grayish-tan sand with flecks of black gathering at the tips.

The precise moment of unhappiness came when I thought it would be nice to feed the seagulls a morsel from my bag of Cheetos. Big Mistake. Mom said don't do that, of course, but did I listen? Of course not! I threw one up into the air so I could see them dive for it and catch it. Then once they learned that I was The Source, they started dive bombing ME! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! I squealed and mom shooed them all away for me and told me not to feed them ever because they would come after me and all my chips if I did. I listened that time.

I was bent out of shape from it for a while and so stayed on the safety of my beach towel, but I'm sure I finally got over it, hopped over a few piles of black seaweed and made my way into the ocean again.

The End.

And by the way, seagulls are a pain in the ass no matter what state you find them in from Texas to New Jersey. But....it is undeniable their inherent obsession with man-made chips.

HE COMES!

Wordless Wednesday: Things You Cannot Has

Talking to Strangers

So I found this site called Omegle, where you talk to random strangers who happen to be online same as you. People are SO weird when they get on the internets.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: HI
Stranger: ARE YOU THE CHINESE CLOWN BOY
You: NO I LIKE CAPS
Stranger: FUCK
Stranger: SHIT
Stranger: SORRY I GOT TOURETTES
You: Oh I don't like caps anymore
You: at least you can spell though
Stranger: do you like SHIT FACE FUCKTARD
Stranger: sorry that was a mistake
You: is that a new emo band?
Stranger: its my tourettes kicking in COCK
Stranger: SHIT
Stranger: ASS
You: I didn't know it affected typing skills too...thought it was just a verbal thing
Stranger: HAHAHAAA you are so funny i fell down of my dinosaur
You: dude, where do you get a dinosaur?
Stranger: FROM you MOM
You: DAMN IT!
Stranger: i also fucked er
You: SOMEONE ALWAYS SPOILS THE SURPRISES FOR ME!
Stranger: yeah FUCK SHIT
You: I never get to be surprised for xmas! I always accidentally find shit
Stranger: PUSSY ASS GAY NIG..NIG...NIGG...
Stranger: phew that was close
You: So how was fucking in the ER?
You: never tried that on
Stranger: fucking what
You: you said "I also fucked er"
You: I assuming you don't make typos because even your tourettes outburts are spelled perfectly
You: just sayin'



Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: where r u from?
You: east coast
You: you?
Stranger: southern coast (of france) ;)
Stranger: YC?
You: Cool.
Stranger: NYC?
You: Nah, PA
Stranger: PA?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I guess nobody likes PA. lol

Neverending Remakes - Neverending Story

I'm sure many of you probably heard this already, but I am so sick of remakes....and now they are going to do it to one of my childhood favorites...

The Neverending Story

Sigh.

Check out this blog/article and the comments thereafter:
http://www.pajiba.com/trade_news/neverending-story-remake-at-warner-bros.php

And now to make myself feel better, a Robot Chicken parody:



And a Family Guy clip too:

Statik Radio

So, I finally got my old site back online - or at least something on the domain again.
It is TOTALLY not at all up to my usual standards (I just threw something together in HTML using notepad) just so that at least I'd have SOME content up there.

http://www.statikradio.com

EXHIBITS! Philly Flower Show - Part 2

Here are several pictures of some of the more beautiful/interesting/fascinating/exceptional/whatever exhibits on display at the Flower Show this year. Starting with my favorites of course!
















I TOTALLY want this BBQ....



























































This gondola was freaking HUGE!









And there's still more! But I'll save them for another post. :)